My Non-Jewish Boyfriend

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Then we talked, and laughed, and talked and laughed some more. After they married, I stopped even that. Mothers are their families. You can read her personal blog at.

We might just give you a chance. Jewish girls want a guy who will be their best friend. It literally begs response, and I sincerely hope I will not be the only one.

My Non-Jewish Boyfriend

I was the one who adamantly declared that I would never marry out. I was so connected to my Jewish identity that my betrayal of it was not even statistically probable. Some of my friends began dating non-Jews. I stopped socializing with them in silent protest, after a more outspoken effort had failed. I self-righteously concluded that we had nothing in common, since they were prepared to give their Jewish identity the backseat. In the Talmud, Rabbi Hillel warns us that we should be careful not to judge another person until we have stood in their place. And I was going places. The Heartthrob One night I went to a party for friends who had just returned from a year in Israel. It was an inspiring night full of memories and promise for the future. As we gathered round looking at photos, I pretended not to notice the attractive guy sitting next to me. He just wants to meet you. Attractive had inquired after me. He just wants to meet you. He really liked you. Here I was, being pursued by a bona fide heartthrob with absolutely no strings attached. He was an advertising executive. He had a motorbike. A Night to Remember We set a date to meet. I convinced myself it would be a completely harmless evening that would chalk up a point for my flirting skills. I decided to keep it a secret from my parents. We revved up the night with a ride on his motorbike. Then we talked, and laughed, and talked and laughed some more. This was tougher than I thought. So, unbelievably, on the first date we spoke about him converting. That was his ticket to a second date. And a third, and a fourth. Things were getting serious, but I was ignoring the ramifications, because, you remember, I was not going to marry out. The Fifth Commandment The confession took place at a restaurant. I simply let my parents know that I was dating a non-Jew, but not to worry. Not because we were in a public place, but because they were smart enough to think before they spoke. Dinner ended awkwardly, amidst the forlorn clinking of cutlery toying with barely eaten food. I wanted so much to honor my parents. The next day, I delivered my father his traditional Sunday breakfast in bed. He thanked me softly. I had not seen him shed a tear since his mother passed away, over a decade before. Later, in the kitchen, I baked cakes with my mother. Seeking Legal Counsel The next day I found myself in the car with my father. We parked in the driveway. There we sat for a good few minutes, lost in our separate worlds. I, in my bubble of optimistic self-gratification, and my father — mourning the potential loss of future generations. Finally, I broke the heavy silence. I pressed on, going for the jugular. If our heritage is so special, why do we eat McDonalds, and why don't we keep Shabbat? This time, it was my father that spoke. For the first time ever, I had stumped my brilliant lawyer father. But he still had one last trick up his sleeve. Why would an intelligent girl do that to herself, or worse, to the person she says she cares about?! My heart was heavy with respect for my parents and the desire to please them. I felt the weight of my Jewish identity on my fragile shoulders. What exactly was I trying to preserve and protect? After all, I was not religious. Why had it been so fundamentally clear to me that I would marry a Jew? And what had happened to that clarity? I had been taking my Jewishness for granted. Jewish day school, Jewish friends, a traditional Jewish home. There had been no challenge, no threat, no temptation. No chance to think or look outside the box. But now my exclusive Jewish education and traditional upbringing was on trial. Was it enough to save me? I took the witness stand. For the first time in my life, I consciously thought about, and decided, who I was, what I wanted to be, and what was truly important. I was first and foremost a Jew. I wanted it to continue to be a part of my life. And it was vitally important that my future husband feel the same. The Verdict: A strong Jewish identity saves Jews. A short, tense phone call ended what would have been the mistake of a lifetime. I never saw or spoke to him again, although I cried for days. I almost became a statistic, except for one redeeming factor: I cared. I believe this is the factor that can make the difference. The factor that needs to be nurtured in our communities: caring. Caring about the Jewish people. Caring about our heritage, our legacy. Caring about the past, caring about our future. Caring about the future generations. Caring about our parents, caring about each other. If we want the Jewish People to survive, we need to care about all these things, more than we care about ourselves. Getting Back to Basics How do we practically go about nurturing a caring relationship with our Jewishness? It starts, continues and ends in our homes. Nurturing a relationship with our Jewishness starts, continues and ends at home. All the private Jewish day schooling, extra-curricular activities, tutoring, youth groups, social events, community get-togethers, online newsletters, dating clubs and support groups have a gargantuan uphill battle and built-in disadvantage when faced with the masses of Jews that grow up in homes void of any practical Jewish expression. Jewish educational institutions and community groups are the necessary lifelines that extend from our homes to our collective future. We need to nourish ourselves with more Jewishness in order to ensure their success. We want our children to care about the meaning of being Jewish. We need to nurture their Jewish identity to the point that it becomes innate. Our homes are where we nurture, and where our children learn to care. Our homes are where we show our children what it is important to care about. A lot of people feel that they need to make a great sacrifice to live out their Jewishness. It is an even greater sacrifice not to. The good news is, caring is not a sacrifice. How do we put a little Yiddishkeit into our homes? These are the definitive moments that can carve a caring Jew out of the stoniest backdrop of threatened assimilation. Our Torah and Jewish calendar are filled with a veritable treasure trove of tradition and meaningful ritual, enabling us to live uniquely enhanced lives filled with memorable moments of celebration and wisdom, all with that inimitable Jewish flavor. These are the moments that kept me in the fold. They can impact you and your children, too. Like a whole lot of American Jews, my upbringing had a lot less Jewish identity stuff than what Ms. It was very obvious to me that my parents wanted me to marry a Jewish girl, but if asked why, I don't think they could come up with a cogent answer. How can someone boast about keeping the fifth commandment and breaking the forth at the same time? What's the point of reciting Shema, if one disagrees with the content? If we put our Jewishness before our relationship with G-d, we are not nurturing a Jewish tradition but idolizing our own authority to pick and choose whatever we prefer which is exactly what all the nations are doing. We are a people not because we make choices, but because we are chosen, and because there is the One who made and keeps that choice. I'm really proud of her! She will never lose out by doing G-d's will. He is our loving Father, and knows what is good for us better than we know. The surest way to a happy marriage and beautiful children is to follow the Torah's guidelines. The Torah is an instructions book on how to maximize the gift of life. We would be foolish to think that we know better than the Creator of the world. Robbie, your point is correct, but my goodness! Please don't be so mean! We cannot all be as perfect in the Mitzvot. I'm sure everyone that reads aish. I do because I strive to be more observant. For some some women, like me, I choose not to wear pants dress like a man. There are others I'm not so good at. We each have our own relationship with Hashem. We have to make our own journey of Tefillah, Teshuvah and Tzedakah. I thought the religion is continued through the mother. He was willing to convert. Caring more for one's parents' happiness instead of one's own is going backwards and very selfish on their part. It would have been more understandable had you been their son. I notice you don't talk about being happy from that point on - only duty. Did you marry and have children? If not, what a waste of a life! And guess what; nobody cares about that but you... As a Jewish couple, my husband and I have been married 66 years, so obviously we are elderly. In my experience, it is easy to meet non-Jewish people since they outnumber us, Jews being maybe 1% of the population. What I observed in my experiences, was that I never attracted a non-Jew with whom I had more in common nor admired more than the Jewish ones. Of our four children, we have three Jewish in-laws and one Chinese, a lovely young woman. So we are open-hearted. Many non Jews would make lovely spouses for Jews who don't care about Judaism. But there is only one reason to marry another Jew: Torah requires it. None of it means anything without commitment to Torah, the sine qua non of Judaism, which happens to explicitly forbid intermarriage Deuteronomy 7:3. Such Jewish commitment comes mainly from parental examples of commitment to eating exclusively kosher, strictly keeping Shabbat, study of and adherence to Torah and Halacha, and general primacy of all things that make Jews different from non Jews. Don't worry, the Jewish People will survive. HaShem promised it, and so far He has kept His promise 3000 years. The question is, are you going to be part of this exciting venture in history, part of the Jewish People, or are you going the way of those who stayed in Egypt, became Hellenists, Karaites, Sadducees, Reform and then Christian like Mendelssohn's descendents. Are you with us, or are you forgotten? That is the question. Alright, I respect your right to have these views, but this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. You really think this was honorable? Are you a fan of arranged marriages too because this is only a small step above that. Good luck to you in your closed minded world For thousands of years since the Jewish nation left ancient Egypt, we have outlived the many empires and movements that tried to destroy or subjugate us. We are still here. They are all gone. I feel sorry for you. I don't know if anyone will read the recent comments as it looks like it has been a while since anyone commented. I am a non-Jewish, who have fallen for a Jewish man, and he had recently told me that he is torn between his faith and continuing seeing me. We are very compatible, share similar views on several topics, enjoy each other company. He is very caring, genuine and has taught me a lot. He is also incredibly patient. I am atheist, more so a believer in science. I do believe in God, but it is based on my own belief systems comprised of many religions. We just started seeing each other, so it is too early to say, but I do feel that my life is hanging in the balance because one day he will make a decision. It would be to stay true to his faith. Or he could choose to be with me. I could not say at this point if I would convert, but I think I would live with it for the rest of my life always wondering if he resents having to leave his faith to be with someone. I get the impression that it is a lot harder for Jewish people to date today than it was years ago. Technology, social media and dating sites has made it possible for us to only want nothing but the best. And this man has told me he has been lonely for most of his 20s and 30s, because he has not met any compatible Jewish women. I care about him a great deal. I have told him he has to listen to his heart and decide what is best for him. In time, I however will ask him - is staying true to your faith worth being alone for a long time, or until you find someone. Reading a lot of these comments is helping me, but I still feel alone because I don't know who to talk to. If you are still seeing him, my advice is to break up, as hard as that might be. Intermarriage is the worst thing for all, your marriage will always be full of conflicts. If you don't have a real Orthodox conversion which means keeping the mitzvos, you in truth remain a non-Jew and the children will be non-Jews. After marriage and with the birth of children, people usually have a religious awakening and that's when the conflicts start. Ok so i am a non-jew, a christian in fact but what if i say that my whole christian life has been a lie and that the truth lies with the Tanakh hebrew bible. If im going to raise my kids i would wanna raise them up in thr truth but how can i when i cant even marry a Jewish girl? Btw i am willingly to covert but im hoping anyone will accept me or accept me to marry their daughter Hi Andrew - Converting won't happen if you want to do it specifically for a relationship. But just so you don't worry - if you convert for the right reasons you'll be fine. I am a convert. My wife's family has been ultra-Orthodox since Sinai. I have a brother in law who is also a convert. People forget your past after a while and they're not supposed to remind you per Jewish law. Other than the past, everything is the way it would be had I been born a Jew, including the broader community. Look for Truth and you'll be fine. I Thank You Aish. As for me, I am more moved and drawn to what HASHEM SAYS - rather than to just give place to this-or-that idea. But this is the Covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord, I will put my Law on their inward parts and write it upon their heart, and I shall be their God and they shall be My people. Shalom Mishpochah - Ira Jennifer, I am a man of 65 years old and whilst I have been happily married for 41 years, my son sadly got divorced after 8 years of marraige to a Jewish girl, which produced 2 beautiful girls now aged 7 and 4. He has become more Frum, but his ex has re-married out of the Jewish faith, and whilst they have joint custody, these two little girls have a frum home envirognment for Thursday, Friday, Shabbat and Sunday, but then go into a totally irreligious home for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Whilst the little girls attend a Jewish Day School, their little minds must be so mixed up! What to do, as time marches on???????? Our Jewish heritage, the one you want to preserve, places Jews as victims of intolerance. We were persecuted for being different and now we are to alienate non-jews because they are different? By not marrying outside the faith, we may be preserving a Jewish religion, but we are not perpetuating the values of Judaism taught to us by our history, Why not embrace the man you love for his differences and work together to create new traditions based on your Jewish identity. Judaism will prevail through the generations because of the oral traditions we learn in our Jewish households, not because our partners align with our religious beliefs. I can only feel sorry for the author. Don't feel sorry for her; she chose to stay true to the Torah and her beliefs. Do you even know what the Torah says about how we are supposed to HATE?!!!!! Indeed, we are to hate Amalek and everything it stands for! It is the Jew's inability to separate himself from the outside nations that has brought on all this horrible anti-semitism! Don't forget that when the Jews left mitzrayim, FOUR FIFTHS WERE LEFT BEHIND. It is written that Hashem had great mercy on them, and that is why they DIED in mitzrayim. They were lost and completely assimilated! Indeed, we should push away non Jewish ideals, concepts and even the people! This is real Judaism, the kind most Jews don't want to acknowledge. I can only feel sorry for you Mr. I hope you don't share your feelings about this with any of your children. It will put false ideas in their heads. And regarding aligning partners with our hashkafa, not being necessary... People that marry each other, while having different religious views DO NOT MAKE IT! Talk about a miserable marriage! In a way, I felt sorry for her. I'm Jewish and understand were she was coming from however, the way I look at it is that if he loved her and realized that him being Jewish is important to her and having a religion wasn't as important to him, then what's wrong with him converting to Judaism to keep the woman that he loves? Life is too short not to share it with someone you truly love so why let something get in the way of it when there may be a solution to the problem? Being Jewish is important to me, however, I am in the situation that I mentioned. The person that I love isn't Jewish but is willing to accept me and share the religion that is important to me with me. I fail to see the problem with that. This world needs more love not less. I am a Gentile who married a Jew, 14 Years ago. As my children grew older I studied Judaism so that I could teach them their heritage and what it means to be Jewish. Their Mother who is the Jew did not know the answers to their questions, so I took on the Duty of teaching my Boys Torah and the Festivals and their true meanings. We started attending Synagogue together and in 3 more Months I will complete my Conversion, two days before my oldest Son Celebrates his Bar Mitzvah! It's not enough to just Marry Jewish. It is important to keep a Jewish Home and live a Jewish Life and raise your Children with a Focus on Torah. In order to be a Light Unto the Nations, we must Live a Jewish Life and keep G-d's Commandments, Always. I am a Jew by Choice and I teach my Children to be Proud of their Jewish Heritage and the importance of Living a Jewish Life and yes, when the time comes, of choosing a Jewish Wife! Sadly, as the statistics bear out, the majority of intermarried homes are not resulting in a next generation that is Jewish. I have seen this in my own family, and throughout the community. But there are also times when an intermarriage becomes an in-marriage, where the non-Jewish spouse becomes Jewish and the born-Jewish spouse becomes observant. In those cases, it is a wonderful example for the entire community. As a direct descendant of a Jewish man who married a non-Jewish woman some generations back, I do believe my family suffered for its Jewish ancestry and the resultant lack of clearly knowing who they were. I came back to Judaism, but to do so I had to go through the traumatic agony of conversion to do so, which you cannot imagine unless you have had to go through it. I appreciate that not everyone marrying a non-Jew is in a position to have children and I do not wish to judge the situation of an older lonely Jewish person. However, in my own situation I was personally lonely and single for many years until I finally came home as the Jew I had found I was supposed to be - my soul was supposed to be Jewish - and once I was Jewish and frum, only then did I find my Jewish soulmate. Too late to have children of my own, but not too late to make a Jewish home, to have wonderful Jewish stepchildren and other relations through my husband and to find peace and wholeness for my soul. You are labeling the majority of Jews everywhere including israel racists because they want to maintain their identity as Jews. The father who did not teach his daughter to observe the commandments was likely never educated in an environment where Torah observance was taught as an obligation if at all. Maybe just giving his daughter the limited education was for him a huge sacrifice and he will be rewarded on high. He shed tears over losing future Jewish souls. Take a look at many Jews today who are more observant of the Torah than their parents and grandparents. As long as Jews marry Jews their remains hope for future generations and it should be encouraged no matter how removed one is from Jewish practice I have read all 81 comments and their recursive sub-comments. Almost all are missing one very simple, logical and convincing message. Here are the 9 simple points: Logic dictates: 1 There is a G-d who created this vast and extremely complex world. Go learn the Truth - it's in the Torah! I come from the southern united states and this story is told there among the goyim every day when a white daughter wants to bring home a Black or Hispanic or Jewish boyfriend. In fact my best friend who is black had this happen to him when he dated a white girl. Mom and dad want the daughter to marry within their own kind. The Jewish father who didn't teach his family to keep shabbat or kosher was merely a racist. For a totally assimilated Jew, what heritage is he protecting by insisting his daughter marry a Jew? I took my wife to a birthday dinner in Tel Aviv last week. We're observant american olim and were speaking English so we gave ourselves away as Americans. An older Sephardi gentleman asked to sit and talk to us. He wanted to know what was wrong with American Jews. How could they forget they were Jews and be so anti-zionist. How could thy say such horrible things about their own nation and people? The answer-in my opinion-most assimilated Jews are like this father. The positive connection to a heritage and Israel requires action. Keeping traditions like shabbat and kasrus. Joining a synagogue and learning the cultural and spiritual values passed down through that heritage. And then living them. Then the father wouldn't be a racist. He wouldn't have had to have the conversation at all.... She would be positively Jewish rather than merely a non-gentile. Negatively Jewish Being racist is a bad thing. So when it comes to intermarriage, few assimilated Jews see a real problem. Since their heritage doesn't really factor into their daily lives, refusing to intermarry makes them racist in their own minds. That's why is happens so often. Marrying a Jew is the most important thing, when one Gd forbid marries out the faith,it plays into the hands of those in history who have gone all out to destroy Judaism. Building a Jewish home is the biggest victory over the nazi's and those before them who tried to destroy us. Whilst they are no longer we continue to build forever. It is noteworthy that many of those who do marry out the faith, later in life have serious regret when the come to realize the harm. The sad truth is that our bloodline in that family will END THERE, PERIOD. American Judaism is for the most part empty and harmful to we as a people. It's a recipe for disaster and it's a shame. American Jews, get your you-know-what together. Stop passing on only the empty shell of what Yiddishkeit is TRULY about!!! I was seeing a non-Jew many years ago - a sweet, generous and honest man who never did anything to hurt me and who really loved me. In my idealism I broke up with him and went off to Israel to lead a Jewish life. He even came to see me there in hope that I would change my mind. Instead, I married - and divorced - religious Jewish men - three times. I now know that all the stereotypes of Jewish husbands aren't true, as one was a deviant, one was an alcoholic and the third was just plain abusive. I'm now in my 50's and really regret breaking up with my non-Jewish boyfriend all those many years ago. I know where he lives but don't know anything about his life after we split up. I haven't contacted him because I hope he found a good person like himself and don't want to intrude on his life, but I think about him quite often. If I could go back in time and give it another try I'd go with the non-Jew. I really feel your cry from the heart. The single biggest thing we Jews can do to combat intermarriage is to win young people's hearts and make them want to belong to us. Your Jewish husbands apparently did not act lovingly to you, so what do folks expect? No wonder you feel the way you do. It frustrates me that so many think that money and committees are needed to keep Jews Jewish. The most important thing is for us to treat one another kindly. Besides, so many non-Jews become wonderful gairim with so much enthusiasm. I don't know why Orthodox rabbis usually treat potential converts so badly, but I've seen it happen, to my great disappointment. The Jewish to me is a nationality not only the Religion. If that is only sexual relation then the question is a soap bubble. Be only good friends. If that is a Great Love, then doesn't matter the nationality or the Religion. But a Great Love has to be very good tested that is real. A Great Love is a very big feeling that come to both not to one, and that is much bigger then the sexual relation. Not a lot of people got it in the life, and only the time can approve that is Great Love or only sexual gravitation. Some times the great love come in long time marriage as a clear seeing in the mind, that why very important to have a lot of real common inside between a man and women before marriage. Conclusion - Ask your heart and your mind before to make a decision, and if both will agree, then follow this decision. I know that a lot of readers aish. Thank you for attention. I felt the same way as you. BUT I did not deny my heritage. Instead I asked my future husband if he would allow our children to be brought up Jewish and carry on the Jewish heritage. He was a non-practicing Catholic with religious family. That is what we did. Now my children are both twenty something Jews who went to Hebrew school, were bar and bat mitzvahed and who are Jewish. I had everything and did not deny myself the love I shared with a non-Jew who ended up being the best husband anyone could ever ask for. My parents who were initially disappointed when I brought him home, now say, they could not ask for a better son in law. It was like a miracle that I married a jewish boy. I always thought jewish kids were too materialistic and did not like them. I almost married a Catholic, but I didn't then then I met my soulmate, who was jewish. However, our kids would be your generation and two of them married non-jews. THe one who wanted badly to have a jewish mate had two children with a jewish woman. THeir kids are wonderful , he is a terrific father and she is not a nice person, but seems to be a great mother, separately. My other grandchildren have not lost their jewish identity. You could have married the true love of your life and remained jewish and raised your children jewish. That is what my nephew and his wife have done. I would love to know if your husband is the real love of your life I hope so or if you missed out on the real love of your life because you couldn't think outside of the box. This time, it was my father that spoke. THIS is the indictment. THIS is the crux of the problem. All of the schooling, all of the Jewish identity activities--none of them teach the practical overcoming of the animal nature. And when hormones come a'calling, you do what you have always done--you please the beast. Hashem's promise is that you will be a separate people, not counted among the nations. He then goes on to frame a significant number of the commandments specifically in terms of holiness--separation. Not just the Sabbath, but Kashrut is also framed as a matter of holiness. The redemption from Egypt is now. Not as an accounting trick, but as a deep, spiritual, reality that we demonstrate. Keeping the mitzvot is a thanksgiving service for the redemption, which continues in every generation. Teach that to your children, and assimilation will be a nonissue. As a non-Jew who engages a lot with Jews, I find this confusing. As a scholar on Islam, I have always found it disturbing that a Muslim woman may only marry a Muslim, whereas a Muslim man may marry a Christian or Jewish woman. As a democrat, I dislike anything that places a barrier between people. But I do know the risks of assimilation for Jews and other smaller religious populations. However, I am puzzled here. The writer valued her Jewish heritage, even though she's not religious. But since Jewish identity passes down the maternal line, surely her children would be Jewish. And if her heartthrob wasn't a fanatical evangelical Christian or Muslim or whatever, couldn't they create a Jewish household. Surveys show that intermarried couples produce children that marry out at a rate of about 75%. Denis, you raise a good point. When a Jewish woman has a child, that child will always be Jewish. However, there are still 3 problems. One, the marriage is not sanctioned, and in fact is not considered a binding marriage at all, so essentially the woman is sinning each time she has relations with the non-Jew BTW - as an aside, the non-Jewish father is not considered the child's father in halacha. Secondly, if the father is not Jewish, the child is considered a in lower status. We have the priestly class, levites, Israelites, converts, children of illegal marriages, and so on. I think the child of a non-Jew comes in after converts. While I don't believe there are any halachik problems, the child carries a social stigma. And thirdly, it is difficult enough when 2 irreligious Jewish parents try to raise a child with Jewish value to perpetuate the race, imagine how confusing and difficult it would be when the parents have different religious backgrounds! That child would be one confused individual, and would probably not remain in the Jewish fold. So to summarize, for a marriage to be successful and happy, it is best if the parents share the same values and background. I never saw or spoke to him again, although I cried for days just wonder: who won from this decision? God, Jennifer, the Jewish people, Judaism, even the non-Jew! In no meaningful way! A non-Jew remains a non-Jew until he accepts the Jewish laws and undergoes conversion. Please avoid such nonsensical and empty words in the future. Dear Jennifer I want to congratulate you for having such a strong will to keep your Jewish identity in your life going. Great article for others in your position. Hard for the other side to read it, but they aren't the main audience! This article really made me happy knowing a Jewish woman will continue the faith. I, too, swore I would never intermarry; a few times, I went out with a non-Jewish guy, but only as part of a double-date with an engaged couple. It was never more than going out; nothing serious. After they married, I stopped even that. Then, at the age of 40, I met someone who shared my values and sense of humor, and was at least my intellectual equal. Children were not an issue; there were to be none due to a genetic issue on my side. Although we did discuss it in case we were so blessed, and we agreed that as the children of a Jewish mother are Jewish, so too would any of ours be. He disavowed his Catholic upbringing at the age of 15, and considers himself an areligious agnostic. He briefly considered converting, but was reluctant to exchange one failed belief system for the possibility of another. That said, I maintain a kosher kitchen, observe the Sabbath in the same fashion as I have my entire life, and he joins me in observing the traditions of yom tov lighting candles, holiday dinners, and even helping our local Chabad build the communal sukkah. Our home is a Jewish home. There was nobody there for me during Shiva, which somewhat defeated the purpose. Each situation is different, and it is not our place to judge. I used to; it is important to me as well that we Jews retain our identity. But before I leave this earth, I have to believe that I, too, am entitled to some degree of happiness and love. That's exactly what the tailor told Tevye on Fiddler on the Roof!!! And I deeply feel your pain, I really do. If, however, every Jew would intermarry for the sake of happiness, they maybe would all be happy, but there would be no more Jewish people. How important is the survival of the Jewish people? Since you are where you are, how much further would it be to bring him closer to Judaism? Is Judaism really the same failure as his Catholic upbringing??? I bless you that your happiness be totally complete! I think a better explanation of the need to marry within Judaism is that we intend to live that way. Keeping a kosher home, observing shabbat, raising the children Jewish will require both parents to be Jewish. I dated a non Jew for awhile; I was getting ready emotionally to break up with him when he announced his interest in converting, he did. We were married by a rabbi and have raised three Jewish children. Interestingly the children having watched some awkward interactions with my in laws have said they will only marry Jews. I don't buy it. I admittedly never did have a boyfriend, let alone marry and have kids, but I'll say this: If I loved a non-Jewish guy and wanted to marry him, I would do so in a heartbeat. If I'd had kids by such a union, I would've wanted to raise my children as atheists, but it would've been irrelevant, because I wouldn't have wanted kids for all kinds of reasons not related to differences in background, The person would have to be secular, like I am. Dear Anonymous, no disrespect intended but I feel that your comments are meaningless again, I mean no disrespect I am just trying to explain because you never had to actually make the decision about marrying out because you never did marry. And if you had married, and had chdren, I think you'd find the core of your Jewish soul rising up in their raising. I don't believe for a minute that you would raise them as atheists. I think you are in denial - maybe that's why you never took the step into marriage? I don't know but I don't believe that your comments really represent the real, Jewish, you. It seems that not only have you not connected with Jewishness, you have apparently not connected with the human race. Today 60 is not old. See what your people have to offer. You can have happiness if you try. It's up to you. I understand what Jews have to go through, it sure must be painful to self exclude yourselves from society. For the people who feel intermarriage is detrimental to the people, maybe the solution is Aliyah to Israel. Therefore you can avoid intermarrying with Gentiles. The Jewish by ethnicity eg Howard Stern, Woody Allen etc... Best solution for the Mitzvot followers. Living in Israel is good, but not a solution to intermarriage. There are plenty of non-Jews there as well. The solution to intermarriage is Jewish education and a Jewish lifestyle. A solution is understanding that there is G-d above who loves you so much. I'm sorry, but you cannot say that this is not bigotry. You see, I am a person who has dated a Conservative Jew for five years, throughout which time I have quietly endured mistreatment by his Modern Orthodox family, only to be told recently by him that we have no future together on account of me not being born Jewish. The fact that I have Jewish ancestry, that relatives of mine died in the Holocaust, that I majored in Jewish literature in college, have a plethora of Jewish friends, and would convert to Reform Judaism for marriage is all meaningless to them and to him. All of that time wasted, my heart broken. I would never treat anyone thus because I do not believe in discrimination for any reason. You see, the pot cannot call the kettle black, and your religion does just that. Your people have bravely fought so hard for the same basic privileges and freedoms that others take for granted, but you shame your people to the eyes of the world by practicing intolerance. Jews believe that they have a mission in life. In order to fulfill this mission, it is imperative that Jews hold themselves separate from the people around them. History amply demonstrates what happens to Jews and the World when this is not the case. There are many people, if not peoples, who follow a mission in life which keeps them separate in some way from the people around them. Ultimately, it is up to each person to decide for themselves what their mission is and what it entails. Jews who accept the mission of Judaism are implicitly accepting that they are separate. This is little different to a Catholic who breaks up with a girlfriend because he has decided to join the Clergy. You can certainly blame your ex for the way things were handled. You may feel as if you were led on. I cannot change this. But to blame all Jews, or indeed Judaism, because he decided his mission in life necessarily required that he take a different path is not fair. Thats a great point. I start understanding some of the hidden foundations of the antisemitism..... I beleive that will be better for this lady.. Why reject him in that way... Will she enjoy been treated in that way...? What goes around comes around.......... You understand the hidden foundations of antisemitism? Jews reject the non-Jew? For your information, the worst form of anti-semitism , the holocaust, occured at the time of the worst assimilation of Jews in history. In Germany the assimilation and intermarriage rate was so high that many Jews themselves had long forgotten their magnificent Jewish heritage and were quite shocked and surprised when Hitler, yimach shmo, reminded them of it. And today, in our very own times, may H-shem, G-d , have mercy on us , anti-semitism is on a very steep and scary incline in almost every part of the western world, and Jews are really in danger in many of these countries. And intermarriage is at it's highest rate, between %50 to %70 in most countries. So there is no rejection of the non-Jew and yet anti-semitism is growing. Furthemore, I am wondering what your reaction would be if you heard about a Mormon who only wanted to marry another Mormon, or a Quaker who only wanted another Quaker or any Christian who only wanted to marry a Christian , or a Moslom who would only marry another Moslom. You would not see anything wrong with that at all. Because there's nothing wrong with it. Every person on the face of this earth has a right to marry within his own people. With one exception, of course. You Jew have the right to even want to stay within your own natural habitat where you belong? You want to remain, through marriage to another Jew, part of your glorious four-thousand year old family? You really owe us an apology. We are a people who have been burned at the stake during the Spanish inquistion, a million of us were killed by the crusaders, millions more by progroms, and six million during the holocaust. The soil of Europe is drenched in Jewish blood and you dare blame it on us? Furthermore, for your information and edification, the Jews have always occupied the highest positions in all of these governments and have contributed more to the welfare and advancement of humanity than other people. I am thankful for this article, a good article, so true, more Jewish People should read this and know that to assimulate will only separate and draw lines from Judaism, sometimes its better for others convert to keep tradition, otherwise Judaism can be lost Heritage due to outside marriages. I have seen this and it is so sad that one doesn't care enough to remember those who have fought and died for the sake of Judaism, Tradition, our belief in one God, and what our wonderful ancestors did to carry us through in life. Are the sacrifices of many who are no longer with us be forgotten?? Were the many deaths for whatever reason not be considered?? One will go one way and the other another way, never on the same road, never on the same page, one will Worship a man another will Worship only G~d, or whatever the circumstance may be. Many, many tears will be shed, and hearts will to be broken. Is it really worth it?? To live outside of Judaism is to accept whatever the world offers and does and it will dictate your doings and decide for you how you should live and be, what to worship and not to worship. The Holy Torah is a wonderful guide line to a good way of life, receiving and completing what G~d has destine for you in goodness. Just read the newspaper, watch T. Teach Your Children and participate in activities of the Hebrew Faith, separate yourself and etc. Judaism is awesome and our G~d is One. I'm wondering how the writer would feel if she was spurned by another person on the basis of her faith or race? Perhaps as a victim of bigotry? I understand that Jews don't proselytize but considering the bemoaning of the future of the faith in other areas of this website, it might not be a bad time to start. Marriage is certainly one means to that end, as the writer herself alluded to while recounting her first date! Intense insularity was probably a solid strategy for ancient desert tribes but in the 21st century it's questionable how the practice benefits Jewry overall. Ultimately, what's more important, the faith or the clique? I grew up in the States in a place callled Syosset, L. They were just opposed to intermarriage. You asked what is more important, the faith or the clique. Ultimately, the most important thing for a Jew is to remain loyal to his noble ancesters, Abraham and Sarah and to remail a link in this great and illustrious four- thousand year old chain. When he intermarries his part of the link to Judism is ended with him. We see the agenda of Aish - you really, truly, want to be Jewish? Better follow Rabbis who say a book was written by God and is the same, and unchanged for 3,000 yrs. In the Diaspora to remain Jewish without being Orthodox is an uphill struggle, perhaps an impossible one in the long-term. Please Aish, don't ruin that one thing for us! We Jews all need Torah and Israel needs Torah. What scares me more than anything is that it says in the Torah, referring to lthe Land of Israel, that if we don't keep the Torah, and follow its commandments, that the land will vomit us out, G-d forbid. And that means exil, G-d should have mercy on us. And this is very scary, especially if one is following the news. Do you know of any country in the world where Jews are forbidden to build and live wherever they want expect for in the State of Israel? And can you imagine if the world were threatening to take away half of Washington D. Do you know the city of Jaffa right near Tel Aviv has such a large Arab population that they are trying to keep more Jews Jews from moving in and that a few months ago lthere was a demonstration of Jews saying that we have a right to live in Yaffo Jaffa. YES we do need the Torah because only with the merit of Torah will we be able to continue to exist in this country.. SO instead of rejoicing that Jews can live here without Torah, pray to G-d that all the Jews should understand the holiness of a Torah life and that He should watch over and protect us. A Jewish woman of my acquaintance found her soulmate when she was nearly 50. It's all very well to talk of how we should avoid intermarriage -- but who could possibly have the heart to tell this woman, who waited so very long to find her partner, that she should remain alone rather than marry a man she loved, even if he wasn't Jewish? Things might be different if she were 21, but now... Because when G-d created us He made us one soul and then devided us in half, and hopefully we will meet up with our other half again in this world and marry him and be together in the afterlife for ever and ever. Now it's obvious that the other half of a Jewish soul is a Jew and not a non-Jew, just like the other half of an apple is an apple, and not a pear or an orange. So even though your friend married the man she loved he is certainly not her soulmate. But millions of Jews over the past two-thousand year exil have passed the test and refused to say yes to the non-Jew. Through the barbarian tortures and burning alive during the Spanish Inquisition, and the Crusades and the pogroms, they could have just said yes and had a chance for happiness in this life. The soil of Europe is literaly drenched in the blood of Jews who said no to the non-Jew. I, a happily married woman with children and grandchildren cannot judge your friend. But the children in the time of Chanukah , who risked their lives to learn Torah, and if they were caught the Greeks beat them savagely but they went to the caves and risked it again, rather than say yes to the non-Jew and loose out on their Judiasm, I wonder what they would say. If your friend had asked me, I would have held her and cried buckets of tears togther with her, but who would be so cruel to tell her to go against G-d and give up everything for some happiness in THIS life? I tried so hard to meet a Jewish man who was of the same moral character, a conservative in the political sense , and ready to settle down. By the age of 28 I had given up. All the Jews I met were liberal, progressive, and not the least bit interested in being in a relationship with a successful woman. I met my husband online through a website that allowed conservative patriots to find each other. I did not want another Soros lover in my life who would sing the praises of abortionist organizations. Together my Catholic husband and I have more in common than I had with any of the many Jews I dated. He is more supportive of ISRAEL than any of the Jews I dated. We named our children with Hebrew names and we are happy to celebrate a handful of Christian holidays. Perhaps if Jewish parents had raised a generation that was more mature, focused on education, aware of current events and the implications of bad politics than maybe I would have found a Jewish husband. Years of Hebrew school without learning Hebrew was an insult to injury and a poor bandaid on parents' easy fix for practicing their religion. Being Jewish to me was never about USY, Jewish camps, living in wealthy neighborhoods, smoking weed, going to Israel just to buy bongs, etc. But apparently it was to many. I say good for you! I hope to be able to find someone too. I'm a Jew-by-choice, but I want to marry someone Jewish to preserve the heritage. I too am conservative, and I dislike how many Jewish men lack character and sensibility and who love Israel and the Jewish people as much as I do. I know many gentile men who fear G-d a lot more and LOVE Israel much more deep as well. I'm trying to do my part here, but it's hard when born Jews take their heritage for granted. It's a beautiful heritage, one that is deeply connected to Hashem. I wish more Jews would see what I see as a Jew-by-choice. It is very easy to say dump the non-Jewish partner when you are not in a relationship, but the fact of the matter is, human relationships are complex. First of all, I am convinced that many times when a Jew is dating a gentile, often times, that gentile has Jewishness in their lineage. One of my friends grew up Catholic her whole life but was always attracted to Jewish men and Jewish things and lo and behold, after doing research on her family's Cuban heritage, it turns out her ancestors were forced to convert. Her great-great-great-grandmother is Jewish and therefore, so is she!!! With the crusades, it is hard to know who is and is not Jewish, but I think that the emergence of all these new souls is a sign that Moshiach is coming in our lifetimes. The second point I want to make is that if a gentile man agrees to letting the woman raise Jewish children, there isn't really a big issue here. Of course, the ideal situation is for Jews to marry Jews, but we do not live in an ideal world, and so we have to make the best of current circumstances and encourage the non-Jewish spouses to convert. As it turned out, however, thanks to an increased Cold War threat, all deferred orders were cancelled and I made the choice to do the 2 years of active duty then required. More to add to the story, is that her family accepted me as a Jewish man straight away. Things were getting quite serious to the point of being greeted as a couple throughout all the post. Well, painful as it was at the time, my unit was sent to a new strategic location. Time, geography and connections caused the doubts to evolve into a form of the 'who am I' question. Although many years have passed; and I sometimes think of those times, I am who I am.... These choices and tough decisions to be made along with the attendent deep pain, are a major component in contributing to keep Judaism alive. As I read your story my heart was filled with admiration for you. You were given a very difficult test and you passed with flying colors. You should know that what you did, your part in keeping Judaism alive, brings merit to all of us, because when a Jew does such an act of heroism for G-d, it brings k'dusha to all the worlds sifiras and it comes down on all of us. If only all the people on this webcite would read your story and follow your example Moshiach would surely come and we would have our Beis Hamikdash-Holy Temple, rebuilt.. H-shem y'vorech otcha - may H-shem bless you. When a tall dark and handsome stranger drove into town in his extended cab Ford pickup truck, so tempting to lay on the horn to get tall dark and handsome's attention. I sent out a convoy to get some info on him, the first most important info I was seeking, was the tall dark and handsome stranger available. Sent several out on the mission to find whatever else they could find out. Every time I would see tall dark and handsome I would study him to see what I could figure out. I also said after the last marrying out when I wasn't listening to God trying to tell me not to, went ahead and did; I resolved and prayed to God to never let me make that mistake again. God had given me an assignment for the next year, which of course will be a light in the world my area of influence so I know what I need to be focusing on, and God hadn't included tall dark and handsome in his plans, quite the contrary. My mind started to drift with thoughts of tall dark and handsome and I would find myself distracted from what I know I'm suppose to be focusing on in the here and now. Tall dark and handsome, entertaining thoughts of him, was not part of God's plan for now, the distraction was the proof of it. Was I to far gone, my heart was involved in the quest of tall dark and handsome could be the match, the one. We would look so good together, Senior Ken and Barbie live. Each day this past week God's still small voice has been speaking to me, so so thankful. God was speaking also through this story, for tall dark and handsome is a pilot and it was like reading what I had been going through. The brakes has been applied before much info on the religion topic has been brought up. For now, this story spoke to me and confirmed what God has been speaking. Next year the timing for tall dark and handsome to be included, God may say, for the now, your voice was spoken in a way that God could use it, in my life, I'd say this author is being a light to the nations. Certainly many cannot, but you should not totally discount those non-Jewish parents who decide to convert or who are happy to raise their children Jewish. Unfortunately, my ex-boyfriend decided he could not do this, which was a large part of the reason I broke up with him. While I clearly understand the need to raise your children Jewish, as I left a wonderful guy in large part because of this like I said, I don't approve of discounting the real, if rare, option that a non-Jewish spouse can raise Jewish children. It doesn't pay to take the chance. And anyway, it's forbidden in the Torah to marry a non-Jew. So it's like living in sin with this guy your whole life. Why don't you just stop meeting non-Jews and then you won't fall in love with one in the first place. It's not so easy? It only takes strengh of character. Why don't you read what Samuel Frydman, Mar. It would be wonderful if you could convince your friends to do the same. You will be on H-shem's side and He will surely love you and bless you. Such a thoughtful and rich article pointing us back to our roots. Marriage is always the cornerstone of our faith, it is the power through which we are purified and assured of the salvation of I our future generations. Marriage springs from the caring and nurturing of the faith in the quietness of our noisy world. Thanks so much for this witty article. It has really excited my tear glands. I am Jewish, I have struggled to date only Jewish men and I'm unable to find a husband as yet. I desire a family with children. There are several issues in the community that is the cause of this. I've been extensively studying this issue. This alone presents many challenges. Im also tired of being introduced to anything with a pulse , a penis and who is Jewish. I need a normal man, who wants to be married and have children. I'm seeking a partner, I know what I have to offer and I'm all about being a great partner to my husband. I have educated myself, worked on my ways of being, continue to work on myself to be the best I can possibly be as a wife, as a mother and as a Jew. If you truly believe that its you job to help, then pls help me. I'm in my mid 30's and if I dont find a Jew, Ill be FORCED to date a non-jew as Im not open to giving up on having a family and children Dear Galina, You are the reason I wrote this article. I sincerely hope that somehow I will be able to help you. Thank you so much for so honestly reaching out. You can also try Rosie and Sherry and see what they advise, since they are professionals with a lot of sensitivity to your situation. Please write to webmaster aish. Let me know if there's a problem... I once got caught up dating a non-Jewish girl. I didn't realize it at the time, but I decided it wouldn't be such a good thing. I took her to Shabbat dinner at the local Chabad house and it turned out she really enjoyed it! I thought I had messed up. Four days later she broke up with me exactly as planned. But if someone who is already a citizen of that country commits a crime even murder , they are still considered a citizen of that country. The author left out the most important part- its all about having a relationship with G-d. Being Jewish is not about rituals alone- the purpose of the rituals is to bring us close to G-d. Non Jews also have rituals, so it can't be that rituals alone can keep Jews connected to Judaism. The Judaism has to be authentic- including not eating at Mcdonals and observing Shabbat. I totally understand why Jews marry Jews, but I think it depends a lot on the soon-to-be-spouse both Jewish and inter-religion marriages What would you prefer: Marrying a devout and respectful -- -insert other religions here- who would probably be there for you whenever those important dates of the Jewish calendar and probably be delighted about those dates because they mean something to you... In which of the two lives mentioned above did you become the light of the other person world? This is a good article, but I think the author is downplaying her own strengths that led to her decision to keep her relationships within the faith: respect for her parents something which is virtually non-existent now , a love for Israel, and valuing tradition. Unfortunately, this will not prevent most Jews with a similar upbringing from intermarrying once they are in a situation in which they are exposed to circumstances that facilitate it. I grew up similarly. Jewish identity was a huge part of my life... It wasn't until I started exploring the Torah for myself, and really thinking about what it means to be a Jew and have faith and keep mitzvot,that I really knew what it meant for me to be a Jew and marry Jewish. I wasn't as strong as you though - God took care of ending my relationship, and then I was able to pursue an observant life. Now, I am married to the most wonderful, yarmulke-wearing man in the world, and I thank God for it all the time. But I think that if I didn't pursue actual adherence to halacha and mitzvot, it wouldn't have mattered in the end. For most of us, we can have all the Jewish identity we want, but if we are intellectually honest with ourselves, we can't use that as a reason not to intermarry. Anyway - more power to you... Liked what you wrote, and agree the article was a good one. Being involved in a strong Jewish community will keep in check others in the community. The older watching out for the younger. Jennifer Cooper is the mentor for those that their Jewish community is Aish. She has instructed according to Jewish Law, also with the wits of a woman that has been there. She knows what it's like to have fallen for that guy, or on the verge of, that would of hindered coming into full circle observant as one grows. Those non Jewish guys can be of God's plan to help us to examine ourselves, to question what is important to us and where we desire to manifest and define our Jewish identity and step up to the next level. Others may be satisfied and content on the ladder and settle on the comfort zone on the step there on. Examples of yours and Jennifer Cooper, shows no regrets in climbing up the ladder. I thought that Judaism was about tolerance, acceptance, and that because of Jewish history, Jews should be especially sensitive and empathic towards discrimination. Instead, this article promotes prejudice and suggests if people do not hold the same values as you, they are compromising their Jewish identity. You are entitled to your own opinions and to live your life as you choose, but the fact that you would judge someone and stop being their friend because they make the choice to be happy with someone who is not Jewish is despicable. People should be treated on their merit, and differential treatment based on affiliation is pure discrimination. We are not a people unto ourselves: we belong to a larger community- the world, which is filled with many different people. Part of being a Jew is compassion, caring, and respect for everyone. I feel that your development of a Jewish identity falls short of recognizing this. Dear Jessica, I wish I could reply to everyone who took the time to write in their reactions. However your comment could not be left unanswered. It literally begs response, and I sincerely hope I will not be the only one. To be honest, I was going to answer each one of your points, one by one. The best proof of this statement is found in the simple fact that this race still exists. Where can another people be found that in the course of the last two thousand years has undergone so few changes in mental outlook and character as the Jewish people? And yet what other people has taken such a constant part in the great revolutions? But even after having passed through the most gigantic catastrophes that have overwhelmed mankind, the Jews remain the same as ever. We also survived his overwhelmingly murderous disaster. I will not apologise. In fact, I'm proud of it, and your response only strengthens my resolve. May you be blessed with clarity and open-mindedness towards everyone: even us proud and insular Jews. Jennifer, I appreciate that you recognize my message begs for an answer, however, a reaction to my message rather than some quote alluding that my thinking might be in any vein similar which it is not to that of Hitler would have been much more appreciated. The Jewish race was targeting, not an expression of Judaism. This quote does emphasize a perseverance and will to live on behalf of Jews, but I do not see how only dating within the religion is a necessary prerequisite for the Jewish identity to survive. Additionally, I find it terribly sad that you seek to avenge discrimination and hatred with discrimination. If the past history of emphasizing group distinctions does not teach you a lesson in the destructive effective I do not know what should. Jews, like many other groups, have been prejudiced based on their associations at great costs, and this should not be acceptable. While you move forward to protect your identity by finding strength in insulating yourself, I choose to have faith that my views and identity can thrive while being part of much more. We live in a multi-cultural society, and I hope I can use these influences to further my identity which Judaism is obviously a part of rather than guarding against these influences. More than civility is necessary. It's really only part of the solution. The first necessary prerequisite must be the WILL TO SURVIVE. That is what my story was about. How I discovered my own will to survive as a Jew. My desire to be a part of the continuing survival of my people. Why I thought I was able to discover that back then, and how I believe that quality can be nurtured in non-affiliated Jews today. You seem to be at that same stage, on the verge of making or breaking your contribution: Do YOU have the will for the survival of the Jewish people? I sense that you are indeed passionate about your Jewishness, which is why this article elicited such a strong response from you. I think we could probably be quite good friends, given our common ground - even though our opinions as to how to express our love for our common heritage differ. I hope with all my heart that my story will open your heart to greater introspection, personal discovery and as great an acceptance of your fellow Jews as you have of all peoples. With all do respect Jennifer, I think we have very little common ground. The unfortunate effect of your article is that it further highlighted the elitist and intolerant beliefs of a sect of Judaism and makes me much further dissociate from the Jewish group. Hard core, fundamentalist opinions like yours do not suggest tolerance and recognition of the diverse world we live in, and perpetuate problems. Dear Jessica, The last thing I wanted was to distance another Jew from their Judaism, G-d forbid. My intentions are only good, even if they don't match your requirements. Don't let my views deter you from discovering something valuable in your heritage. Who am I, after all? One woman, with one story, and one point of view. Many agree, many don't. You are the same. Many will agree with you, and many won't. Don't define your Jewishness, or your universalism, for that matter, according to what you are not, or don't want to be. If you concentrate on seeing the positive qualities that you wish you emulate in life, you will not be so busy looking for the negatives in others. So you don't like me? Give up on me, but don't give up on yourself! You were born a Jew for a reason. That's not fundamentalist or hard core. That's a fundamental fact. Jennifer, I am sorry if my dislike towards ideas you said in your article has indicated to you that I don't like you, or that you disgust me. I do not know you. I know one aspect of what you believe, and concluding that as a person you disgust me is incorrect. We have different beliefs, and I responded to your post not out of disgust towards you, but out of fear as to what your message might reflect. And you are right, I was born a Jew for a reason. That is because my parents were Jewish. In my opinion, this furthers my belief that we should not automatically reject a person because of their religion. I was also born with brown hair, should I only date other brunettes? Islam and Christianity, as well as the Judeo-Christian basis of Canada's political system have MANY complementary and identical values. Therefore, inviting these influences into our lives should not, in my opinion, be seen as threatening. I was responding to your argument, not commenting on you as a person. I'm sorry, but I agree with Jessica. It's just trying to beat discrimination with more discrimination. Besides, if you liked the guy, you could've asked him to convert... I feel it's rather insulting to say something like this. If the other party is not Jewish, but they love you and want to help you preserve your Jewish identity and pass it on to your children and grandchildren, and they want to become Jewish, I don't really see the issue... Your trying to rationalize your point makes things a lot worse. Jessica, let's look at other religions and what they do to keep them going. The Catholic Church is the largest Christian Church, you are expected to marry in, and if you are interested in someone that is not Catholic, then you are expected to sponsor them through the RCIA program to convert them before getting married to them. Before getting married you have to sign a paper saying you will raise your kids Catholic. Muslims marry in also, and the same implies to them, if they are interested in a non Muslim, to convert them. Many after moving to the U. Jessica, would you call Catholics and Muslims are discriminating by doing this? I don't hear of people saying those things about Catholics and Muslims, only about Jews who want to marry in. Between Protestant churches, a Baptist wants to marry a Methodist, a choice will be made, where will they go to church as a family and the kids will be going to either a Baptist Church or a Methodist Church depending on what the couple has decided, and the other will be expected to become a member of the other church, is this discriminating? Messianic Jews want to marry other Messianic Jews, they don't want to marry a Catholic or a Mormon, are they discriminating and being intolerant of other people faiths? So why the measuring stick is marked so differently for Jews to want to date a fellow Jew or to marry one? I don't put up a Christmas tree in my own home, why would I want to marry someone who would bring this into my dwelling place with all the celebration that goes along with it. Saturday morning is reserved for religious activities, why marry someone who will be out mowing the lawn on Saturday morning and snickering I should be cleaning the house instead of religious activities, because his mom always cleaned house on Saturday mornings and that's the way it should be done. Who wants to marry someone you are NOT compatible with. Jessica: Although it could be seen as such, it's not racist or segregating of Jews to not let people inside their circle without conversion, just as Jennifer's reply above, most other Religions do as well, though not as tightly as Judaism. Judaism is not about proselyting, Catholicism is and so many others as well. But most do not allow interfaith marriages Catholic Church does, but it needs a lot of approval and paperwork and still you need to raise your kids as Catholic which of course, means that, logically, Religions look after their own survival and heritage, it's within their best interests, wouldn't you do the same, being in their position? Is this being selfish or segregating? Or just looking after your best interests? Like it or not, they have the right and grounds to ask for this. The truth is that some of these people who have written the above comments have adopted the non-Jewish attitude toward us-we have no right to exist. All other religions are allowed to protect themselves but a Jew? What are you talking about? You have to be tolerant even if it means self destruction. All other peoples can decide who they want to marry based on any reason they want. What do you mean, you want to stay in your natural habitat and stick with the religion of your ancesters, a four thousand year old religion, by the way? How dare you Jew even think of such a thing? I wonder what some of the above writers think about the right of the State of Israel to exst.. If we want to protect our citizens does that also turn you off and make you embarrased to be a Jew? Are we allowed to fight back and protect our borders or is that only for Americans and other nations? Wolfgang, you are right. You just forgot one point-what's permitted for others to do without even giving it a second thought is one thing- but we Jews? Two brief comments: Encouraging a Christian to date within their religion would be branded as nothing less than fundamentalism - in fact, this is what keeps many of the evangelical indoctrinating churches alive in the US. And, really, the notion of you 'bothering' Hitler in hell is absurd. The reference is so far out of the realm of Jessica's comment, who was merely pointing out other aspects of the Jewish faith that may go against what you are saying. As soon as you reference Hitler you leave the realm of logic and apportioned argument and just BEG for people to get emotionally involved. You say it so as to shut off the argument - but all you do is point out the flaw in your reasoning. That is, you have no true retaliation to what Jessica has said. To Anonymous, I decided to reply to your critique not because i am offended, but so that others can read and learn, hopefully. I was not the person who brought up Hitler. She was referring, of course, to Hitler, among others, but did not have the courage to say so out loud. I do, however, and I am only to happy to call a spade a spade. Since she brought up the villains via her reference to past discrimination being the reason we should therefore consider intermarriage as the gist and conclusion of her argument , I therefore wished to quote the master of all villains to show why we SHOULD absolutely be discriminating, in the positive dictionary definition of the word, and not the politically correct, post-modern self-flagellating version of the word. As I showed, if the one thing that irked Hitler above all else was the determined self-preservation of the Jews, then that is the one thing that I most certainly will promote, protect, and practice. And if you have a problem with literary license, then so be it. But I think you got my message, whether you liked it or not, and I'm glad to see you are searching out and getting involved in Jewish debate. There are only deaf ears, and disagreements. Just because you don't concur, does not mean that it does not exist. That said, I am glad that you respect tradition and culture, and that you agree that the relationship can strengthen that. That was the gist of my story. Far better for all of us to focus on the do's, rather than the dont's. Thanks for caring enough to comment! Jennifer, your assumption that when I was bringing up discrimination I was bringing up Hitler is incorrect. I think you should be well aware that me critiquing your post was nothing shy of courage and if I felt Hitler had any place in my argument, I would have brought him up. He did not come up because he had no relevance in what I was saying. I was calling a spade a spade by acknowledging the discriminatory nature of your argument, instead you decided to change suit. Additionally, I find it ironic that you would bring up Hitler in an argument when you are trying to encourage intra-marriage. More specifically in the context of your article, you state that these outside influences compromise a Jewish identity. Jennifer, I am very sorry if any of this seems like a personal attack on you. I am unhappy with the message as it can lead to very dangerous personal and global consequences, and I have only tried to call attention to that. A Jew's identity is in no way weakened just because he or she chooses to date outside of the religion. If actions, whether carried out by Christians, Muslims, Jews or else are acting in a discriminatory nature, I think attention should be called to this behaviour. The concept of accommodating difference is being entertained. Jennifer was resistant to this idea. You are correct that we should marry someone we are compatible with. I am simply stating that religion should not preclude us from discovering compatibilities. Life is full of difficult choices, and sure different religions can complicate things, however these complications do not require any loss of personal religious identity. If you do not want a Christmas tree in your house, that is fine, but I know many Christians who do not have Christmas trees in their homes, or many Christians who would be willing to give up a Chirstmas tree in their home for the sake of love. I just believe that if someone is a great person, you are compatible with them, and if they support you, you should not cut them out of your life purely because of religion. Jeniffer i think you are intentionally making a counter argument which is completely invalid based on what jessica has said. In my opinion no one here has claimed that marrying in is wrong or even discriminatory. Rather, it is a choice, a preference to some and not to others based on legitimate desires to raise a family with one set of values. I think its the forcefulness of your article that is wrong. You chose to marry in, and for all the joy that has brought to you and your family, i congratulate you genuinely. However, for you to sit down at your computer and spend your time, energy and passion on trying to convince others of the rightfulness of jews marrying jews is the problem. Also from my personal experience, being born a jew and marrying a jew seems to be the only thing many rely on for their jewish identity. Anonymous who spoke about Catholics and Muslims requiring a spouse to convert, March 29, 3. However, I think the difference is that converting to Catholicism is converting to a religion, and it is relatively easy. Converting to become a Jew is converting to a religion AND to become part of a nation, and it is not easy at all. I think that is one of the issues with people not converting to Judaism - it takes a long time and is very hard and is not just about what you believe but what you DO, every minute of every day. If you convert and truly accept all the commandments that are relevant to you as a man or woman or resident of Israel, etc. That is a hard thing to do! I think people get frustrated about that. I know I do, but I completely understand why conversion is like that. It's not just about the conversion, it's about living the rest of your life as an observant Jew, otherwise the conversion is not really valid. And it is frustrating because to convert you have to go through so much and do so much to become and be Jewish, but someone born to a Jewish mother can live however they please and still be accepted and considered Jewish. This is a frustrating fact, and I think that is why intermarriage is such a big issue. If conversion was easy, lots of non-Jewish partners in a relationship would convert and be Jewish and then there would be no 'intermarriage' for that couple. But because it is hard it does not happen that often, and it is much easier for a Jew to marry someone who is already Jewish. But if someone who is already a citizen of that country commits a crime even murder , they are still considered a citizen of that country. I'm sorry, but you are 100% incorrect. I was Catholic before converting, and NEVER have I EVER been told I should marry another Catholic. Sure it's nice to, but Catholics intermarry all the time, and it is not frowned upon. Nor have I ever heard of a Catholic ever signing anything saying they'll raise their children Catholic. Why, just recently, one of my cousins, a Presbyterian by faith, married a lovely girl in a Catholic church and they had an intermarriage ceremony with the priest and reverend. Actually, Catholics recognize all other denominations as being Christian and can receive communion at any church. The other way around doesn't do that, but ok. Point is, I've never heard of this, and again, I was raised as a Catholic growing up. Jessica, I am in a position to answer you, as I am Jewish, married 25 years to a wonderful non-Jewish man, and I do not recommend intermarriage. I am committed to raising tolerant children who have friends from all different backgrounds. But marriage is different. It is the joining of two lives and two souls. As my children's parent, I have made it clear that marriage is much more than friendship, and it can be difficult at times. Fortunately my religion was more important to me than my husband's religion of origin was to him. He agreed that we would have a Jewish home and Jewish children. If both of us were Jewish, that would have been a win-win situation that brought us both joy, but for my husband it was not easy. He had to get accustomed to something that was meaningful to me, but not to him. It was a concession that was not easy for him or easy on me. So, it is not about intolerance or discrimination. Did I know better? I was not raised observant and my parents did not seem to mind who I dated. My relatives even set me up on dates with non-Jewish guys. It was only when I matured and evaluated the role Judaism had in my life that I set out to make it part of my life, and I am grateful that my husband conceded, and although we are one of the lucky couples that worked it out, there was pain involved along the way. Pain on my part for imposing this on him. Pain on his part for giving up customs and holidays that were familiar and comforting to him. I do not wish this on anyone- no matter what religion they are. Other couples have not been as fortunate as religion has divided them over the years. Marriage is your heart, soul, and life. Expect the best for yourself, and for non-Jews as well. This is tolerance- wishing each valuable soul the best in their marriages with the best spouse for each of them. Rabbi Noach Weinberg of blessed memory said the most dangerous disease is ignorance. Intermarriage is prohibited by the Torah, but if one does not know the Torah it's a problem. Please go and learn. There are many teachers so find one that speaks to your soul. Aish will make an effort to help. There are many other outreach orginizations as well. An educated Jew steeped in Torah learning may choose to cease observing or to marry out and assimilate. One has the option to learn and then make an informed decision. The tragedy is that in the vast majority of cases people intermarry and assimilate without knowing what Torah Judaism is all about. The belief that Jews have a unique role in the world does not negate the purposes of all other children from the same loving Creator. The sages teach that the righteous of all mankind have a share in the world to come. I would also suggest that you try a year-or even a few months or weeks , in Israel in a school like Iyat or Neve Yerushalayim. Also in the States you have programs and schools, if Israel is not possible. Jewish, christian, hindi, etc... God, trough our destine, puts us together with persons who are different, to learn from each other, to respect the faith of the other, to grow together despite the difference and to finally see that most of the religions lead to the only important thing in life: Love. Love your next as you love yourself, even if he is your enemy. Only this brings spiritual evolution. An interesting article, but I think it is a microcosim of the survival of Jews in America. To me, observing the Torah is the beadrock of Jewish continuity and tradition. As a convert, I would like to point out that converts are Jews, so if the author's hunk had converted, she would NOT have been marrying outside of the faith. If you're Jewish and really in love with a Gentile, you don't lose anything by asking them if they would like to convert. Their answer may surprise you not to mention, if they do convert, you have brought another Jewish soul into the world--all without having to give birth! Mychal, I must say that I have the utmost respect for converts. Out of all the frum people I know--FFB, BT, and gers, I have to honestly say that converts are incredibly special people who are THE most committed and knowledgeable Jews. The frum world can learn a lot from gerim about strength of character, devotion to religion, and riding against the tide, as it takes an incredibly special person to grow up is a gentile world and then choose Judaism for themselves. Since the conversion process is so arduous, it is inherently obvious that gerim must be 100% committed to a Jewish life. What I don't understand is... I understand that we need devoted members, but at the same time, I don't think we need to make our religion some exclusive country club, either! Hatlacha Mychal, and welcome to the tribe! I think this article is very moving and I can totally relate. At the same time I myself am still single trying to find the right jewish partner and I see so many older singles that may or may never get married. I often wonder if waiting forever is not its own form of genocide? Life can be very confusing and with so many options and so many people who are demanding perfection which they see on media I just really feel like we don't get to live out the values we are sacrificing our lives for. What is the point of being perpetually single to save the jewish people when your own life is passing by? But is it better for one to be lonely and Jewish or happy and with someone who may or may not be Jewish? For those who will say this person should be alone and unhappy, go find him or her a spouse. Remaining single and childless for the sake of Jewish continuity is, of course, a paradox. I think the essential thing is to date and marry someone with whom you are compatible, Jewish or non-Jewish. If Judaism is very important to you, a compatible non-Jewish spouse will likely be willing to convert or to help raise your children Jewish. In my case, marrying a Jewish man was what was right for me, but that doesn't mean that it's necessary for everyone. I am married to a non-Jew. That answer seemed for more old school and even closed minded to me. When i first started dating non Jewish boys, I didn't see the big deal. My parents barely kept kosher, we didn't keep Shabbat. So what difference did it make? No one told me what it said in the Torah. My parents disowning me as Teviah did in Fiddler on the Roof, didn't help convince me either. In fact, that made it worse. They weren't talking to me, considered me an outcast, their one and only daughter. In time, I married a non Jewish man. And in time, i discovered Jewish spirituality. I eat Kosher, and even keep Shabbat. My husband supports and participates with me. He wants to raise our child Jewish, because he sees how important it is. How will do this, I admit, we're going to have to figure some of it out. He isn't ready to convert, but he is willing to participate in what he needs to so that the child lives in a Jewish home. My point is, these stories are great for parents with school aged or dating children, when they can possibly make an exception. But there are those of us who have slipped through the cracks. I used to feel like some kind of failure when i read these articles, but i no longer do. I don't feel like a write off. Perhaps i had made a wrong spiritual choice in the past, but it isn't up to any human to judge me, only G-d. And i am happy to be part of an orthodox community who is accepting of us and wants to do all they can to support our journey. I think you have already made that choice. It would be easier if both people are jewish. My husband is atheist though, it does not really matter. We might agree on Israel issues with him though. I am sure your kid is beautiful, mix of blood is good. I hope times would change when you race and ethnicity would not matter. I appreciate finding a jewish guy, though I had a chance to marry not a jew and if someone nice come up we'd work it out. You made a good choice because it led you down this path. You chose a true partner and now you two are traveling this road together. You are lucky to feel accepted in your community. I hope others will remember comments like yours and so many other on this forum when they judge the non-Jewish boyfriend or girlfriend. Though I am not Jewish, I too dated outside of my religion knowing full-well I would never marry a non-Christian. I realized that I was leading these young men on and chose to stop dating for a period of time to get my priorities straight. Of course, this is when God brought my husband into my life. What a blessing to date someone who had my values and goals! Thank you for sharing such an important, personal topic. Jewish People have the right to do as they please. I dated two Jewish Girls in my life semi seriously, and I know if another ever comes around that will be the last straw, but quite honestly, I want someone now, for the time being, that I don't need to fear breaking up with BECAUSE they are jewish. I dated this Jewish chick recently, and the only reason we were dating was because we were both Jewish, and hadn't met before. She was annoying, and aggravating more than any girl I've ever known, and when I did hang with her, she embarrassed me as a person. Her whole schtick was about dating only Jews, but I just don't connect with Jewish girls very well or very long term unless its strictly friendship, even then, I lack in that department. So we broke up, and now she met an older more successful taller jewish guy, and I met a girl on plenty of fish who I believe is what I need in my life right now. I'm going to share a part of my life with someone, and that someone may interchange throughout life. If a Jew comes along, so be it, but I'm not going to shield my life because of it. I am a Jew no matter what I practice or where or among whom... I'm a pro-world Jew, and if my kids are only half or non jews, I will still raise them very well because I will have a loving mother. Thats the key folks... Shabbos, Yom Kippur, Pesach, are all days I can still celebrate if i chose to, but normally I don't anyways, so I guess i'm a lost outcasted Jew. I'm perfectly fine being a statistic, for whatever that may mean. I totally relate to you. I too found myself in a similar situation with a wonderful non-Jewish guy in college. I decided to go on a program to Israel trying to severe the relationship in a nice way. I didn't want to hurt him. I loved him but I knew deep down to marry him would hurt my family although I know they would have accepted him because they loved me. But then,ee wanted to come with me!! HIS parents then interferred with his idea. We wrote for months and then eventually tappered off as we went on separate paths. I did eventually marry Jewish, and am now divorced. I sometimes think about what if. Would he have converted? But when I look into my son's eyes, and he tells me he will only marry Jewish, although heartbreaking at the time, I know it was the right decision. I appreciate the article very much. I married at 20, in an arranged marriage, to a Jewish man and, unfortunately, it did not work out for reasons I ultimately could not fix. However, I have two beautiful young adult children whom I raised in a progressive Jewish household. When I got divorced, I found that I was not necessarily attracted to many of the Jewish men I met and I decided to date and see what happens. I found that, for me, it was very important to find someone nice, warm, loving, interesting, and interested in the things I like. And, I found that the people I was meeting who met these criteria were not necessarily Jewish. Also, I found that the guys I was dating who were Jewish by birth did not necessarily have much knowledge about or practical observance of Jewish rituals at least far less than my practice. Ultimately, I met my husband, a wonderful man who had the qualities and temperament I was looking for, who was raised in a non-religious family but who was not Jewish by birth. What I came to believe was that, for me, since I had already raised my children with an ongoing Jewish identity and observed the rituals because I want to, it was not so important if my husband was or wanted to become Jewish. It was more important that he respect my family and practices and to the extent he was comfortable participate in them. Yes, the first passover without bread in the house was hard for him, and he was not used to sitting in synagogue all day with me during Yom Kippur. But he held my hand and did it anyway. I see no reason why the conversion about his converting was not followed up on first unless you did and he did not want to. Also, did you ever marry? If not, then you blew it anyway and you should have married him. You could have at least brought the kids up to be Jews. Lot of intermarriage families do this. Most don't convert because the Jewish spouse doesn't care. Since the mother would be Jewish, the chances of the children being Jewish are much greater. The biggest problem with intermarriage is that there is no attempt by the Jewish partner to stay Jewish. She leaves critical questions unanswered. I originally became observant and married an Orthodox man simply because it was critical to me that my future children be Jewish and carry on the chain to future generations. The author, fortunately, realized early enough that the more practice is shared in the home the better are the chances of success. I would add that the more learning, prayer and charitable behavior in a Jewish framework the children are steeped in along with healthy doses of love and support to build self-esteem , the higher the chances of success rise. Unfortunately, there is not even a guaranteed positive outcome for Orthodox Jewish parents with Traditional and Orthodox backgrounds who send their children to Jewish day schools. A reasonable chance of success clearly demands committments on a variety of levels that are well beyond what can reasonably be expected of a non-Jewish parent. Therefore, intermarriage is clearly out of the question for any Jew who wants his or her descendants to be Jewish. I was once a non-Jew who dated a Jew. My then Jewish boy-friend, Jack, faced the same struggles as Jennifer did. It made our dating very difficult. We both developed physical ailments from the emotional stress. We have now been married for 12 years and are happily frum. Jews who truly understand what being Jewish means would naturally choose to date and marry in. Torah, not just lox-and-bagel Jewish education, is key. Otherwise, there is no good reason not to. I am very impressed by your recognition of how important really being Jewish means and even what you had to give up. However, you are an exception as you know of people that do not grow up religious. To live a completely religious life. Of course keeping rituals is a great way to start and should be very much encouraged but not as a means in and of itself and enough. People can see hypocrisy even in that if the entire Torah is not kept. I believe that being a Jew is not just about keeping the Jewish blood in the family, but to really live as a Jew. Like you said we have to be first and foremost a Jew and the only really way for that to be is to be fully accepting of the Torah and what Hashem wants from us. The best Kiruv organizations are the ones that present Judaism as it is. The Torah in its wholeness - not Hebrew schools which at the very very minimum will succeed in maybe getting a bunch of people not to intermarry or to light the spark for them to find out more about Judaism. Once again, a huge yasher koach on everything and we should continue to grow with all of Am Yisrael in the ways of Hashem. Read this article and thought what family member put you up to writing this on aish. Yes, was close to home. When your soul connects to another and you think they are a non Jew, I say we have some common ancestry we do not know about. When not in a traditional Jewish home upbringing, guidepost is not outwardly observances, how can one judge by what one does not do themselves. When God is a personal factor, when two are gathered is yourself and Torah, God's presences abides, spirituality becomes experiences shared with God in solitude, not open in community or as a family unit. When the soul connects to another, you know that soul also has received the Torah and what binds two souls together is the presences of God within. Two souls of this nature is not intermarrying. The souls are intertwine both with receiving Torah and God in the mist. Communal life in house of worship, if experienced openly with others, differs; if two people, one receives and one does not, is intermarriage. If one worship idols and the other worships the Living God, that's intermarriage. Both receives, one goes the other stays home, is not intermarriage. Differentiation between membership to an organization, one a member and one is not type of intermarriage, compared too; two souls that connect with God in the mist for both receive from him. The covenant has long been established, it's a shared covenant, with or without membership. Traditional or non traditional. When you connect with another, the bond is the covenant, written in stone, covenant shared is covenant people, predestined to find their way to each other. As per comments for certain many people have happy fulfilling lives in interfaith marriages and many raise well adjusted kids. Several in my own extended family as in most Jewish families outside of Israel are examples. The reason for Jews not to intermarry is that the Torah forbids it. In fact from a Torah perspective as I undertand it an intermarriage is not recognized as a marriage at all. I think it's viewed similarly to living together. Being a part of a holy people demands following commandments and that entails making God's will our will. So do not worry about it. I fell in love, and got married. My husband is not Jewish. I never went to Hebrew school or Sunday school. I WANT BETTER FOR MY KIDS. My children are Jewish and been a Bnei Mitzvah. They speak Hebrew and been to Reformed Camp. I want them to marry Jews. I want them to have a Jewish home. I want them to share their Jewishness with their spouse. I want them to have a spouse that shares Kol Nidre down to their bones. Recline on Passover, and pass their heritage to their children. Share the joys and the sorrows and then EAT on every Jewish Holiday. Not because they are following a lead, but because they will be walking side by side. I only dated Jews and married one as well. After a mentally abusive marriage I divorced him and again only dated Jews. After several horrible experiences there are no good ones left at least not for me... I've had my kids. I pray that they have Jewish children as well. I have a strong Jewish identity and believe that I am being a light unto the nations. But, given the choice of remaining single for the rest of my life or sharing my life with a loving, caring man who is fine with my beliefs he doesn't believe in anything... I'll take the latter. To all the readers who wonder about the outcome: Thank G-d, I did marry, a Jewish man. We are now Torah observant, although we weren't when we first married. That is another story! We also have children, who are all being Torah educated. We hope we are raising them to be loving Jews with meaning in their lives that they, too, will want to pass on to their children...

He knew this because his Jewish girlfriend's friends and parents disapproved dating non jewish girl him. I'm sure everyone that reads aish. The soil of Europe is literaly drenched in the blood of Jews who said no to the non-Jew. Yet I still felt that our similarities outweighed our elements. I took the witness stand. Is this being selfish or segregating. These commandments are fairly simple and straightforward, and most of them are recognized by most of the world as sound moral principles. But she ensures it all runs smoothly, and it's not something you ever zip to think about. That answer seemed for more old school and even closed minded to me. Whatever we tell you here may not apply in his case. He isn't ready to convert, but he is willing to participate in what he needs to so that the child lives in a Jewish home. So be wary of this and make sure you give enough to the Jewish girl you are dating or are in a relationship with.